It depends on the lie
by LeiLaure
Summary: Post-ep for Sweet Sixteen. Thought I'd make it a bit longer because, well, this is Cal, and she's basically the only one he trusts, so it can't go that smoothly, can it?
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: of course I don't own them, nobody does, they have a life of their own.**_

_**Note: this is my second fanfic ever, so bear with me, and remember English is not my first language. You'll see I have a thing with redemption, so a lot of my stories are centered around it… Guess I have to get it out of my system before I start writing something else. I know there are already several post-ep fics for this episode, but honestly, I just couldn't resist. **_

Chapter 1

- It depends on the lie.

He could see that she was crumbling, could see the strain that particular lie had put on her for all those years. Habit and instinct kicked in, and he found himself unable to deny her the comfort of his arms at this moment. He felt her body relax, felt her cling to him, and hugged her back, but inside he was still appraising her every expressions of a moment before. His mind was reeling. Who _was_ this woman who had lied to him for almost 10 years? Could anything they had built survive this?

She disengaged from him first, searching his face in the low light of the room. She knew better than to think it would be so easy. She just had needed his arms to hold her up for a moment, to give her strength to face what she knew would be coming now… How ironic that she needed his strength to face him.

- Cal?

- Yes, Gill?

He didn't call her "love".

- Are we ok?

- Of course we are.

She watched him, and this lie she saw, plain as day, written all over his face. But she didn't push it. She wasn't sure she could handle the truth right now. Truth or happiness, never both. So now, this night, she chose the comfort of believing his words over what her eyes, his eyes, were telling her. Instead of asking again, she gave him a strained smile, her eyes fluttering to the ground, and left the office softly, feeling like somehow, in the last ten minutes, she'd lost the right to belong there.

* * *

The following day, he avoided her. She had known this was coming, but it still hurt like hell. And it kept hurting, as the days passed and the rift didn't mend between them. She wondered if she had maybe made the worst mistake of all by accepting his first lie, that they were ok. They were definitely not ok, or all right, or anything in between. Yes, they greeted each other in the morning, and acted, for the most part, as if nothing had happened. But she could feel him watching her now, all the time, not in friendship but in doubt, as if he was constantly looking for a clue as to what she was really thinking. He didn't drop by her office anymore, and sometimes they didn't even see each other all day if they were working on different cases. She'd never felt lonelier in her life.

She accepted his distance, knowing he needed time. That's even what she'd told Emily when the girl had barreled into her office some days before, demanding to know what was going on. She'd considered for a moment pretending that she didn't know what she meant, but the truth was, she needed to talk to someone, anyone, about it. To confess that this was her doing, and not Cal being his usual jerky self, as everyone else in the office believed. So without giving out any of the details, she'd told Emily that she'd hurt her dad, and that he needed time to forgive her. She had seen the surprise in Em's face, that she should be the one to mess up, and once more she had felt the sadness rising within her, like a tide that came and went, never strong enough to breach her wall of control and spill on her cheeks, but slowly eroding her heart.

Now they were working on a case together, and he had done nothing but contradict her, implying her emotions were tempering with her reading of the different parties. To tell the truth, she was less than focused, but what he blamed her for she was not guilty of. He was just taking any excuse to lash out at her, to test her, see if she would crack. And she'd taken it, she'd taken it all, welcoming his anger, anything but the silent treatment by which he made her feel she was nothing to him. Anger was improvement.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

He'd been turning things round and around in his head, trying very hard to find a way to forgive her, to trust her, to let this go. But he couldn't help wondering, every time he looked at her, how the Gillian Foster he knew and loved could have kept this from him for so long. Something so big. The woman he knew would never had pulled it off. The first few days, he'd been running high on paranoid theories, so he'd avoided her altogether, still too mad at her to risk being in the same room. But even he couldn't keep that up for long, and soon he'd found himself harassing her, wanting to get to her, to strip her bare of her armor, to cause her to reveal herself. And she'd taken it without so much as batting an eyelash, never losing her cool or reciprocating. Of course he saw it hurt her, but never enough to get a rise out of her. Knowing her like he did, or like he thought he did, she probably thought she deserved it. So he escalated. Started accusing her of being "unprofessional", which she wasn't, ever. He figured that if he got obnoxious enough, she would break at some point and let him see something – anything – that would either condemn or redeem her. Besides, it felt good to vent his anger, and he was too mad to care what it was doing to her. She'd taken it in stride, but he could see her tiring and when he started accusing her of wanting to "shag" one of the witnesses, she'd lost it and left the room. He'd followed her to her office, enraged.

- That's it Foster, go and hide, you're just a disgrace to this case right now!

She tried very hard not to show the effect his words had on her. He needed to express this anger one way or another, and she knew that her tears would just get in the way of them cleaning the air between them.

- Believe what you will, Cal.

- You're endangering the credibility of this group by your shameless flirting with a key witness to this case. Instead of making goo-goo eyes, how about getting some work done, eh?

She felt her control slipping, but held on for dear life.

- You know me better than that, Cal.

That sentence was his undoing. What had been a game of trying to get to her became a torrent of anger that came pouring out of his mouth.

- OH DO I? AND HOW IS THAT NOW, GILLIAN? Do I really know you? You're the only damn person I've always trusted not to lie to me, or to at least let me see that you were lying to me. And now I find out you've been lying from the start? That this, this entire thing we have, is based on a lie? Do you have any idea how it makes me feel? For Christ's sake, not a week ago you looked me in the eye and swore, you swore you'd never hidden anything from me! I don't bloody know who you are anymore!

His outburst had taken them both by surprise. She had taken two steps back, shaken by his violence, and finally she sat – or rather fell – on the couch behind her. He could see her fighting back her tears, and he felt defeated, not knowing how to find his way, their way out of this. When she spoke, her voice was broken, a whisper.

- Cal?

Suddenly, he didn't feel so mad anymore, just deeply sad, and so tired.

- Yes, hon.

- Have I… have I completely lost your trust?

The question hung in the air and she raised her eyes to his, daring him to lie again by proclaiming everything was fine. He sighed, raked his fingers through his hair.

- I don't know, Gill. I've been trying hard to figure that out myself, and the truth is, I don't know.

She lowered her eyes to the ground, but not before he could see the despair that flashed in them at his admission. He waited for her to say something, but she didn't, and, when the silence between them threatened to smother him, he left the room.

_(Thanks to everyone who reviewed. As you can see, I've merged the first 2 chapters to balance the story. I'm enjoying writing this immensly, thank you for reading it!)_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It was already five o clock, so he just popped his head in with Loker and Torres to say he was leaving. The way they looked at him, he must have been showing on the outside at least a fraction of what he felt on the inside. But they didn't push, and he fled.

He wandered aimlessly, putting as much distance between him and her as he could, while at the same time being unable to get her last look out of his mind. He felt lost. Everything he knew about her was a lie, and he couldn't bring himself to get over that.

In his wanderings, he came across a park a few blocks from the Convention Center. Needing the quiet, and feeling exhausted, he took the path winding through greenery, and finally laid down in the grass under a tree. There he stayed, mulling over everything. He could hear a bird singing and, further away, cars passing by. There he stayed, for how long he did not know. The light went down, and he was still there. But in this small square of silence, he made up his mind.

There was no way he could go back to the how they were before, and no way he could work with her anymore as they were. So, he'd just have to buy her back. He'd take a loan, send clients her way to help her set up her own practice if need be. But it was better to make a clean cut. He couldn't bear to see what they had had dying slowly in front of him, every day becoming a more distant shadow of their friendship and trust.

Having made his decision, he got up and walked slowly back to the Office. Em was with her mother, and he couldn't face being alone at home tonight. He'd much rather be working, postponing his grief for another time, refusing to mourn. He'd meet with her first thing in the morning, and he could put this whole part of his life behind him. He could lick his wounds, then.

Everyone was gone, of course. He was walking by her office on his way to his, assuming she had gone home too, when he saw her, in the half dark of the summer evening. She was in exactly the same position he'd left her several hours before, sitting very straight on her couch. Her hands were in her lap, trembling slightly. Tears were overflowing from her eyes, running slowly down her cheeks, without her making any move to wipe them away. She didn't seem to be aware she was crying. He watched her from the door for a while, his resolve crumbling and falling around him like chunks of cement, the one he'd been covering his heart with for the past few days. She was still his Gillian. His Foster. She had never been someone else, she had just tried to protect him from his own stubbornness, and he was putting her through hell.

He saw the moment she became aware of his presence. Her hands clutched each other to stop them from trembling and she became absolutely still, angling her head the slightest bit away from him so that he wouldn't see her tears. Even now, she was giving him a way out, in case he hadn't meant to find her there, which he hadn't, and didn't want to see her, which he did.

_(Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews! I love to know what you think! 2 more chapter, guys, and this should be done... :) ) _


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there, her soul leaking slowly out of her eyes. To tell the truth, she didn't know much anymore. His last words to her, the look of utter dejection and disappointment on his face, had broken something in her that she didn't even know was there. So she sat, and she let the tears come softly, silently, along with the memories of all they had had together. She'd been hurt a lot in this life, but this was a different kind of hurt, closer to what she'd felt when she'd lost her daughter. She'd gone to him then, when Alec was burrowing himself in work and cocaine. Who would she go to, now? There was no one else she trusted, and by losing his trust, she'd denied herself the only comfort she could have found. So she just sat there, as the light went down, feeling like she could never get up again. Like if she moved the slightest bit, the whole of her would crumble into ashes.

At some point, she didn't know when, she felt him in the doorway. Her heart jumped, but the rest of her stayed perfectly still, like a startled deer. She just angled her face towards the dark, so that he could think that she hadn't seen him and be on his way if he didn't want to talk to her. She couldn't bear to see that look in his eyes right now, it would be the end of the last threads holding her together.

- Foster?

That sent her into a flurry of movement. In the same instant she got up, wiped her eyes with a gesture meant to be invisible to him, pulling her tears inside of her in a tight ball of sadness that she vowed she would not release. She walked towards her desk, all the while keeping her back to him, stalling, fighting to regain enough composure to face him one last time.

- Yes, Cal. I was leaving… it's late… I'll…

- If you had a choice again, knowing what it would do to us, would you do the same thing?

That stopped her in her tracks. So he was willing to talk now. A flicker of hope alighted in her heart, almost painful by its fleeting nature. She took a deep breath and, for a fraction of a second, considered lying to him. But she just couldn't, not even to salvage their friendship, not even to keep him. She prayed for the strength to end this quick.

- Yes, I would. I can let you gamble one million dollar away, but I would never let you risk the lives of your family, or yours for that matter, if I can help it. But we both know that most of the time, I can't help it.

She gathered her courage, then turned around and faced him, willing to be completely honest.

- I should, however, have told you last week as soon as you asked, as soon as we found out Andrews had been killed. I could see that it was going to be uncovered one way or another, and you gave me enough openings to come clean. But… I was petrified… I'd been keeping this for so long… it's like it was engraved in my soul, and no matter how much I wanted to tell you, I was too scared of what it would do to us…

Her voice broke on the last word, but she carried on, refusing to give in to her pain now. He deserved the whole truth, even if it was the last thing they'd share.

- To our friendship… I knew it was all coming apart… I just wanted to postpone it for as long as possible, because I knew I wouldn't be able to bear you looking at me once you learned the truth. That lie was out of pure desperation, and if I could take it back, I would… Though it would probably not change anything, would it now? she finished with a sad chuckle.

He was looking at her silently, evaluating the truth of her words no doubt. She kept her eyes on the ground, on the wall, anywhere but on him. She wanted to look at him, but feared what she might find on his face, anger or worse, disgust, and that would undo her. At last he broke the silence.

- I always thought I had a pretty good baseline on you. But last week changed that. You lied from the start. My baseline is crap. So I'm just going to ask you, Foster. Anything else you're hiding from me?

She shook her head no, but he saw something flicker across her face.

- That, there. What's that, Gill?

(_One more chapter folks ! I'll try to write it asap, but I have some busy days in front of me, so you might have to wait a little… Sorry about that ! Thanks for reading up to here!_ )


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Of course he'd seen it. As she'd shaken her head she'd thought it, and she knew it had shown on her face. She looked at him then. He was studying her, his intensity intact, but somehow she felt he had softened from his earlier scrutiny. His face was unreadable, guarded, but she thought she saw something in his posture, something of how the old Cal was with her, that sent hope flickering through her again. Could she do this? She knew what he was asking. "Show yourself". He wanted to see her, all of her, to reassure himself that she was still the one he thought she was.

But this, too, she'd been hiding for so long. Now was not the right time, for either of them. They were not ready. Then again, if there was the slightest chance that she could mend this, that she could have him back in her life… She could never live with herself knowing she hadn't tried absolutely everything to salvage their bond. She would just have to trust him not to act on what she would tell him until it was the right time, for both of them. Until they'd moved past all this. Until she'd had a bit more time to assimilate her divorce, to rediscover life on her own.

He was waiting, not pushing but not backing down either. She dropped her eyes, then grabbed her resolve and took a few hesitant steps towards him. He didn't react, just let her come to him, letting her set the pace of her admission. When she was right in front of him, he seemed to sense what she wanted and lifted his arms towards her. She laid her hands on his forearms, steadying herself, afraid to touch him but needing his strength once again. They held each other's elbows, forearm against forearm, like extensions of each other.

She wanted to say it, willed herself to, but her throat caught around the words. Frustrated with herself she almost backed off, but he gave her the slightest squeeze, and she stood her ground. And instead of talking she did the only thing she could, and the only thing he really cared to see. She showed him. She caught his eyes and held on, and let all the love she had for this man, all the emotions she had felt these last few days rise softly to the surface and show on her face, praying it would be enough, praying somehow he would feel the same and understand and not push her right now.

He looked at her, completely overwhelmed by what he saw in her eyes. What on earth had he done to deserve that woman? He'd just been awful to her for days, and she was still willing to show herself to him, to put herself at risk just to save their friendship, their love. He knew how difficult this was for her, how hard she had worked at putting up the "line" between them, how she needed time to get used to the idea of getting rid of it. He knew that she was not ready for this, yet there she was. Just because he'd asked.

He was not reacting, and for an instant she thought it hadn't been enough. Her mouth turned downward in sadness, her eyes lowered in shame that he had seen her at her most vulnerable. But he didn't let her close herself from him. His hand left her arm and went to her chin, lifting her face towards him.

- Hey.

He looked into her eyes, letting her see that he understood, that he would not push it. And that he loved her, too. Then he pulled her the slightest bit towards him, engulfing her in his arms, saying softly:

- Come here, love.

And with that, whatever had been holding her up for the past week just broke. She started to shake, sobs finally finding their way from her heart to her mouth. He held her tight, held her up, held her together and she clung to him, her broken voice coming out in between sobs.

- I'm sorry, Cal… I'm… I'm so sorry… I thought you could never… forgive me for this…

His heart broke and mended at her words, and his voice was rough when he said

- And can _you_ ever forgive me for this? I'm sorry, luv. I've been a bloody arse of a man.

They held each other, alone in the empty building, both shaking a little from the wreckage they had just barely avoided.

She finally let go of him, and once again searched his eyes in the low light of the evening sun.

- We're ok, luv. We are.

And the truth written on his face was the most glorious sight she had ever seen.

_(That's all folks! Sorry for those who expected__ a kiss or full blown romance, but I just feel that those characters are so subtle that I couldn't pull it off believably. I love reading it, but I'm not ready to write it yet. Thanks for reading, and to all those who reviewed…do tell me if you liked the end! Writing this was a treat! )_


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